4:55 p.m. - 2008-12-13
blech
Boo hoo. Pity me. I suck. My head hurts and I want to cry a little. The brain is going around in these little circles that are getting tighter and tighter and I'm beginning to suffocate. So, that's a littl dramatic, eh? I'm just drowning in my own crap today and it STINKS!!!! I'm not so sure why today of all days I'm so low. There's been degrees of low for a very long time, but this coincided with moving. I still feel like I can't find my place.
I still feel like my relationship with my husband is taking a dive from which it won't return.
I'm not even sure we know each other anymore.
Do I even know myself? Okay, now I'm wallowing. I remember when I used to keep a diary in high school. It's chock full of this sickly sweet syrup called being a teenager. Oo's and Ah's over this boy or that one. Grudges held against mean girls, of which I was often the point of attack. I read them, gag, and then chuckle at my innocence. Things changed a bit when I went to college, but there was the everpresent boy drama. It was just minus the mean girls because I knew how to recognize the signs by then and not get caught in their traps.
I haven't really journaled in a very long time. Got too caught up in my martial arts blog, but now I need some attention. I've just applied to the University of Vermont to gain entry in their Nurse Practitioner program, which is in the graduate school I just took the GRE's and spent the past month filling my brain with silly numbers and math applications. All of which I should have recalled from that small portion of my brain where I put my meager math skills. It worked, the studying. I'm quite skilled when I get myself going. Although I didn't do that great on the math part, but made up for it with the verbal and essay writing.
This brings up the emotion of being let down if I don't get accepted. And I've just re-routed my topic to avoid writing about my marriage. I've come to the realization that my husband will never, ever be really happy: with himself, with his surroundings, with me, with his life. He's so angry from so long ago and I'm beginning to tire from having to hold the happiness for the two of us. The only thing that brings him joy is his son. We don't hold any joy for each other. I'm tired of not having joy in a relationship. I'm tired of putting on a smile when I don't mean it. Blech.
This is the stuff that brings me the memory of my old journals. Except that it's older and more mature drama instead of bubble gum.
I went to see my husband's therapist two months ago. We talked about him. I mentioned that he's always so unhappy and never joyful. The therapist told me I had to be a good wife. He told me I had to find the joy for him; find his happiness because he forgot how to do it himself. How can I find his happiness when he doesn't know what makes him happy? How can I be a "good wife" and guide my husband to greener pastures in his mind when he refuses to go there, or even stay for that matter? I'm done with it. I need to find my own happiness, not just his. I'm starting to lose myself because I'm so busy helping him. That's wrong. Not only am I taking care of the house, our son, finding work so that I can contribute financially to the family, but I'm also taking care of my husband's happiness. Where do I fit in? Where's my time? I fill it with going to the gym and pushing my body until I almost puke. I eat ice cream to dull the ache in my heart (I don't do it everyday, just once a week when I watch "Heroes". Okay, it's been more often recently...).
So, now it's time to go.
