1:02 p.m. - 2008-04-10
Where's the love?
Uhck, relationships are too fucking hard sometimes. Why can't they just take care of themselves and be grown up already? It's wearing me down, this constant vigilance, this constant focus. Or maybe lack of focus. Am I not putting enough into it? Do I just go home from work and spend the rest of the evening in a fog. After Griffyn falls asleep I'm sleep, too and just want to read and go to bed. But there's this other person who wants my attention, too, and it really shouldn't be that hard for me to share myself right now since my work is not very busy. I've fallen into this destructive pattern, destructive for the relationship. I've gotten used to not seeing G all that often and have settled into my own thing. This is very bad. And sex! I just absolutely don't want it. It feels like an invasion to me and everytime I think about it (even from someone else) I cringe. What is that and why am I feeling that way. Sex is fun. Sex is gross, that's what I'm thinking. Maybe it's since we had Griffyn there hasn't been much exploration, a loss of what I once knew turned me on. There is such hesitation to get off, I don't even do it by myself. It's like this afterthought: "Oh yeah, I can rub on off right now. Ah, too much work." How did I ever become so lazy? I think most of this comes from when I was a teenager and had sex with many partners so they would like me. God, that brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. It tugs my heart too much. I don't know. All I know is that I'm really not into having sex with my husband, with anybody, even women. All I want is to be in myself and have no one else there, physically I mean. We've gotten so far away from each other. This whole therapist thing was be trying to make him happy. But, damn it, we need to see one together! I don't need to go alone when what I have to work on concerns our relationship. The reason I'm writing this is he called me at work to express his concern for our lack of intimacy. Yay! That's not sarcasm. Oh, we just need to spend more time together, to not have a child in our room so that we can have sex in our own bed and not on the couch where only one position is possible. I want us to explore and not rush, but I'm so damn tired at the end of the day. Excuses! Enough already.
