8:03 a.m. - 2008-02-24
Dreams and sickness
Oh my aching body. Lungs are tight and feiry. Better this than a sore throat and stuffed nose, hmm? Fifi I feel your pain minus the mumps. Such a strange thing to contract! Anyway, off to Burlington soon. I'm thinking of doing a little shopping on Church St. since I need some more work pants. There's no mixing work clothes with regular clothes in my closet. There are so many "things" I have in that regard and I'm sure I've mentioned it before. Can you tell I'm not feeling well? This is very disjointed.
What hurts the most is my neck. It's really sore and achy and I'm not sure if it's the massage/chiropractic combo I had on Friday or me not feeling well. Probably a bit of both. I know, I'm COMPLAINING! But I can do that here. There was this instance once where hubby said I was an annoying sick person. That really hurt my feelings and we have resolved that but it comes back to me whenever I'm not feeling well. I don't think I complain that much when I'm sick. He's the one who two weeks later is still talking about it. Ah, relationships, love 'em or leave 'em.
I have this recurring dream where my college ex is there. He broke my heart into a million pieces, then we got back together and then he did it again. I was a hopeless case with him. Soulmate and everything. To this day it affects me and that does not bode well. It bothers me that there's still this tether to him. He's off being a doctor and married and just had a baby girl last year. I thought, "that should be our baby girl". And I'm almost crying as I write this. My mom said to my sister once that I had had my soulmate. Then I lost him. Wrong time I suppose. And is there really one person for each person? I'm not so sure about that. I believe that hubby and I were meant to be together, especially to procreate. Feel very strongly about that in fact. We were meant to have children together. Whether or not that means we stay together after the children have been made is another story. I really want to. We're in an upswing, and it feels light and happy. Winter is hard for him and maybe we should be in a warmer, sunnier state. But all his friends are here and he refuses to leave them. Very devoted to them is he. It's a commendable quality and one of the things I love about him, that loyalty. Back to college man. In this dream we were at a party together and I was about to fall asleep in a bed. He came over and we talked (he had this really bushy beard) and then he kissed me. Our lips seemed stuck together and there was that charge you feel when the kiss is so right. When I wake up from these dreams (and I have them a lot) I'm left with this empty feeling, this sadness and loss. I'm not sure what to think about that. We were in contact on and off for years but we haven't written or called in a long time and that's for the best. Will there ever be a time where it doesn't bother me? I want that to happen and there are moments when I say,"Oh, that was so long ago and I'm over it" but I don't really mean it. Maybe there's still something for me to resolve about the feeling part of that particular relationship. Maybe I want to feel that way again...
