10:36 a.m. - 2007-11-21
Blah, bleh, blurgh
I've been a right royal bitch so far today. My poor husband, being the brunt of it all. I really hate feeling like this, and it's not something I can blame on PMS either. Oh well...it's from looming move, not feeling happy with work, frustrations with our living situation and the fact that my hubby and I haven't had a date in probably three months. I'm on that proverbial cliff, teetering. Not pretty. This is when I miss the Lexapro, but this is also a good time to learn how to deal with my anxiety myself and not rely on a drug that just fogs everything over so that I just don't really care. I wish for more free time in my life and to stop feeling like I'm moving from one thing to the next with not stops to breathe. I'm also finding that impatience is creeping in, which has been preventing me from living in the moment. My brain is always five steps ahead of me. Bonkers!! Maybe a few trips to a therapist is in order? It would be good to talk with a neutral party instead of just writing it down. Fact is I don't really talk about it with anyone because "I don't want to burden them with my crappy stuff." Poor me, hmm? Get over it already. It's very difficult for me to talk about me because I don't want to seem like I'm being selfish. What's up with that? Thing is, most of the people I talk with always seem to dominate the conversation with their shit, which drives me crazy. Or the conversation always turns around back to them. Ugh, hate that! What happened to people who can actively listen? It's so rude not to listen. But maybe I just do it too much...Taking responsibility for yourself and your actions is of utmost importance. Compassion is important, too, and tolerance. I have my moments.
I'm just downright blue today! Maybe it's the weather, but I don't think that's all of it. There are things I've been sacrificing, mostly things having to do with self-preservation. I used to meditate every day, paint almost every day, but they had to be put aside when Griffyn came along. Now I'm hard pressed to get to karate more than twice a week, which bugs me because it's something I should be doing every day. There has to be a comprimise somewhere in all of this, a place where all of it can be accomplished and me and hubby can connect again. That's so important for us right now.
I'm going to stop now.
